May 8, 2026
When It Isn’t Easy
I’m writing a novel right now, and I’m having a hard time. When I’m writing first drafts, I’m usually firmly wedded to forward momentum, just get to the end already, but things have gone off the rails a bit where I’m at, 52 000 words. Or maybe I’m still on those rails but the rails aren’t properly fastened to any foundation, and the narrative is all over the place, and/or no place at once. There’s not a proper focus, a proper through-line, I don’t know my secondary characters well enough, the narrative has disparate elements that need to be pulled together. There are some fundamental mysteries that I need to solve before I’m ready for this story to get where it’s going, and so I’ve gone back to the start for rewriting and reweaving—and I’m really just overwhelmed.
Part of this is because Definitely Thriving flowed so easily, and I was conscious as I was writing that this was something special, and I really feel the absence of that ease this time. Although there was so much ease that I don’t properly feel like I wrote the book at all, instead it poured out of me like magic, and I’m not really sure how to do that conjuring trick again, which is terrifying. And finally, I’m scared because I spent last year writing a story that was never going to turn into anything, and once I stopped writing it, I was just so grateful to be done, and now I’m just nervous that this will be how it goes now, me driving my creative truck straight into a brick wall over and over again.
Next week, I am taking part in a very cool storytelling event produced by the Museum of Toronto called “Toronto Confessions: Love it or Hate It” (tickets on sale now!), an opportunity I said yes to because it was just so damn cool, in really exciting company, the sort of thing I’m always not-so-secretly jealous that I’m not constantly being asked to do. But it’s totally not in my wheelhouse, so far out of my comfort zone. A different kind of story making than I’m used to, with different narrative tools and structure, and I’d have to memorize it all—is my brain even capable of this? I really wasn’t sure. And as I began to put my presentation together, I was so afraid that I’d only embarrass myself, that I wasn’t cut out for this. It’s not very often these days that I try something new.
Except that lately I’ve been trying new things a little more often, my springtime so far filled with travel to new cities, brand new twists in schedule and routines, even just little things that challenge me and make me realize that my capacity might be greater than I think (except for the days when I’m really tired). I don’t want to jinx my presentation next Thursday, and I’m still terrified that I’m going to make an ass of myself, but it’s looking more likely that I will show up and be basically adequate (and hopefully better). It’s been fascinating to make something new, to start from nothing and learn how the pieces fit, how to structure and edit my ideas in a new format, even if it’s been super scary, like walking a tightrope without a safety net. Because how do I really know I can do it? But then I figure it out, and realize I’m starter than I think.
Like maybe even smart enough to figure out how to write this novel? And maybe instead of letting the difficulty become my atmosphere, the air I breathe, I can see this tricky phase as part of the process, a tangle to be unknotted, a problem to be solved.
How do I really know I can do it? (GULP)
I don’t. Until I do. (Or at least I hope I will!)
