February 9, 2026
A Love Affair With the Unknown, by Gillian Deacon
“Unfathomable life is the reality, yes. With a deep breath to calm ourselves, we can concede that uncertainty is inevitable and part of being alive. In fact, we turn toward it; we need the rich mystery of life’s unknowableness. We understand, deep down, that a life that went entirely to plan would be joyless.”
It has taken me a long time, many missteps, four years of therapy, and a pile of books by Pema Chodran to learn to be somewhat not un-okay with uncertainty. A love affair I would definitely not term it yet, but I’ve come a very long way since a decade ago when Twitter was breaking my brain and I was continually refreshing my feed anyway in the hopes that this next update that would make sense of the chaos unfolding and offer some indication that everything, at some point, would turn out okay. Since six years ago as we were heading into a pandemic and I felt I was single-highhandedly responsible for holding the world together. Since four years ago when I walked up Major Street weeping, because a new strain of Covid was about to arrive and I was incapable of imagining anything less than an apocalypse. In my mind, there was what I could control and abject disaster, and nothing in between.
But oh, there is space, so much space, for wonder and possibility, for strength and resilience, for care and community, and—in Gillian Deacon’s extraordinary case—a book like this one, which is such a gift to its readers. A Love Affair With the Unknown is a compelling blend of memoir and reportage about dwelling in uncertainty as Deacon—a popular Toronto broadcaster—finds herself beset by a debilitating and mysterious illness in late 2022. Having previously come through three bouts of cancer, and as someone who works on live radio, Deacon was more familiar than most are with uncertainty, but this new twist in her story was particularly challenging—she could no longer partake in the activities that gave her pleasure, she felt terrible all the time (nausea, fatigue, tinnitus, chills, and more), and worst of all, she had no assurance whatsoever that things were ever going to change, that the rest of her life wasn’t going to be a tiny world defined and confined by illness.
Deacon eventually receives a diagnosis of Long Covid, but this book isn’t about the happily-ever-after (Deacon knows by now there’s no promise of that), instead the uncomfortable in-between when she still didn’t know how it all might shake out. It’s an exploration of the psychology behind our discomfort with uncertainty, the way that too many of us would prefer to skip through the hard stuff and get to the end—Deacon writes about how she used to think she was embracing the maxim to “Feel the fear and do it anyway,” but she was actually jumping past the fear part so she didn’t have to feel it at all. She writes about how difficult it is to be lost, to lose control, but what we miss when we refuse to let go, the amazing possibilities for how fate may unfold. That the greatest fear of all is often that we might not have the capacity to get through challenges, more so than the challenges themselves (it’s a fine distinction, but it matters).
Deacon considers how Salmon Rushdie faced his fears, references Rebecca Solnit’s A Field Guide to Getting Lost, explains attention bias, recommends awe, thinks about art and unpredictability. She notes how the Covid pandemic thew so many of us off the rails (it’s me!), leaving us less equipped to meet this current moment and all its tumult. There’s also the anxieties that aren’t simply all in our head—the reality of climate change especially, fears that are justified, an unknown that holds no promises of everything working out just fine. She also writes about chance and risk and poker (!), about arrogance and humility. About hope. About “figuring out how to stay emotionally afloat in a tsunami of change.”
The crux of it all, for me, has been learning to stay where we are. Not leaping into a terrifying future, not desperately clinging to a past that is gone, but instead being here and paying attention. And A Love Affair With the Unknown is a guidebook to just that, a beautiful, kind, calming and bolstering read, and a book I’ll keep returning to (along with all the Pemas).
