October 19, 2022
On Being Wrong About the Pandemic
For a while now I’ve been obsessed with the idea of what we’ve, collectively and otherwise, got wrong during the pandemic, an obsession that has manifested in conversation, direct messages, ideas about some sort of a Q&A project with political types (what a [n impossible] thing it would be to receive honest answers to the question of, “What did the pandemic teach you about the limits of your ideology?”), and thoughts towards a blog post that would definitely outline the numerous times I took things far too seriously, including the weight of my own actions, and that we probably could have spent Thanksgiving 2020 with my mom.
Last year Vivek Shraya published a short book (it was originally a talk) called Next Time There’s a Pandemic, a book I enjoyed, though it wasn’t enough “You’re Wrong About…” for me. (It was also conceived with the idea that two and a half years in, there wouldn’t STILL be a pandemic, so that was not the book’s fault, exactly…) But once the book was read, I wanted more interrogation, more reflection. In general, Shraya’s book aside, I wanted a whole lot less of, “Well, we did the best we could with the information we had in the moment,” partly because, while this is true, I think too many people have spent the pandemic being wrong over and over again.
Also because it’s been impossible for any one of us to get this exactly right, which has been one of the hardest things about the pandemic, the absence of concrete guidelines, rules to follow to the letter, because the mark of Covid-19 has been how it doesn’t follow rules at all, is as inconsistent as all get-out. It’s mild and it’s deadly, and in your gut and your respiratory system, and it doesn’t affect kids much and it makes kids really sick, and the vaccines are effective and they’re not, and it’s airborne/very contagious and you never got it, and it killed that healthy 32 year old but that asthmatic woman who is 106 was fine.
So anyone who thinks they got it right every time is wrong about that, which is only just the beginning…
And what I’m wondering about now is why all this means so much to me, why I need other people to join me in admitting when we’ve been wrong, where our judgment has fallen short, even when we were doing our best.
Partly because I think it’s really interesting…
And of course, I also think it’s important to celebrate what we got right—I’m so proud of my community in all kinds of ways [see “About Last Spring: The Vaccine Narrative I’m Holding Onto”] but this celebration is only part of the picture, which seems important after a long time in which neighbours have felt so divided. And while the fact that more than 80% of Canadians stepped up to be vaccinated absolutely means there is far less division than all the noise would suggest (truck horns are very loud, this is true!), I think that making space for everyone to reflect on what they got wrong (without shame or judgment) creates space for reflection for those people who might benefit most from a bit of that thoughtfulness.
I think too, if we’re getting pathological, this means so much to me because of control issues, a strange compulsion to be certain about uncertainty…
But mostly, I think that acknowledging where we were wrong is to acknowledge our capacity to learn, to grow, to adapt and be flexible, traits that will prove to be our greatest assets in societal challenges that lie ahead of us.
I mean, many highly-educated, rational experts knew from the very beginning that shutting children out of in-person school – except for perhaps the very first month or two – was going to have catastrophic, life-limiting consequences for many both here and especially in less privileged countries. There was ample evidence that this would happen. But asking terrified people to have a nuanced, critical discussion in 2020 meant you were a far-right wingnut who should be publicly shamed (the cognitive dissonance still makes me dizzy – I’m a democratic socialist…?). The pressure to conform led to so much preventable suffering, and no one with power is ever going to apologize for it, or be held accountable.
The actual far-right wingnuts didn’t help matters either. Operating in such bad faith, they made real conversations impossible. I also give (some) people with power a certain amount of leeway—what an awful responsible that must have been. But I’m just really curious about normal people and how we chose to go about our lives and what we can learn from where we could/should have done better.
“What we got wrong” terrifies me. There were, without a doubt, too many mistakes made to be properly catalogued. It raises questions of trust – who do we (I) trust and why and for how long and how do I know when to stop trusting advice and then who do I turn to for that advice…
For health reasons (mine) we have been bubbled (just the two of us) since Feburary 2020. That means no shared meals with family and friends (neither in restaurants nor in homes), no birthday/Christmas/Easter/Thanksgiving celebrations, no vacations, no shopping, no hair cuts, no curling for Cam, no golf clubhouse for Cam, no volunteering – too many “nos” to enumerate. It quickly began to feel like prison and it still does.
Which brings me back to trust. Do I continue to trust the advice I’m being given, do I waiver, why be vaccinated if I’m bubbled, what if the advice I’ve been given is another mistake?
The proverbial can of worms to be sure. But if ever there could be a completely honest and transparent discussion with not only “those political types” but also leaders in the medical community, I’d be seated front row centre.
Learn. Grow. Adapt. Be flexible. When can I adapt? Or, my darkest fear, is this as good as it gets?
Thanks Kerry, lots of chatter here today after reading your beautifully written essay.
I think part of the trick is that there is not one perfect answer, not one way to get it right, differing opinions, and many of them have merit. Which actually is INTERESTING, even as it’s frustrating. But it’s been tough to figure out for sure, especially with your health making your risk budget so much more complicated, but I think being reflective of those choices is useful.
You’ve thought about this far deeper than I have yet, after reading your post, I’m much more aware of how confusing and contradictory all of this has been — continues to be. Part of the problem (for me) was listening to or taking what the politicians felt were important (or not) guidelines. I wanted more science, as moving a target as it may have been. I think most of us have shifted and adapted along this earthquake of a pandemic. Yet so much was lost (like not being allowed to be with loved ones when they died; gathering as families). Thank you for your thoughtful essay.